Love is all around

when i first fell in love i thought (and i still do) that its the best thing ,the best feeling
that one could feel...the exhilliration ,the unending excitement ,the untiring hours after
hours that you could think about one person ,how a sentence said by your loved one can go
round and round in your head for days ...what other drug or feeling would make a sane human feel like this ?i dont think any can claim such an effect.....the phase came when all the excitement started weaning;like everything in the world that comes to an end; feelings also have the same fate....as every thing that ends leaves room for the beginning of something new....this leaves room for a little bit of suffering,when you want things to go your way ,when you want others to say things you wish to hear,when you want them to choose you as you have chosen them and want them to think to cherish your love like you cherish theirs...but they dont necessarily do all those things.the easiest thing at that time is than; to blame ,to think they didnt deserve you ,to hate them so that it doesnt hurt much when you have to leave them.its hard for us to take their reasons as being genuine ,if they are actually giving a reason it just doesnt look good enough in our eyes for which they should leave something like this ,that which we thought was amazing ,that which we thought was unique.in fact the mistake is our own as well..no matter how much we think we are ready to give inn to love ...at extreme occasions we are ready to sacrifice our lives as well....what we are not ready to give is understanding ;real understanding for the choices of our loved ones;to see it with their eyes how important those things could actually be for them ,if not for us...and give them the understanding of going after them instead of hanging on to what we think is important.i think through this i am talking more to myself than any one else...cuz i didnt have the understanding either;i didnt have the courage to really love the person for the way he is...for what he likes his life to be like ,for what he wants for his life ,for what he cant give up for me ....and for what he cant change in his personality ,for what he cant commit ,and for the things he couldnt understand cause that is just the way he is.so what did i really want from love ...did i want both of us to be happy by getting what only i wanted or i wanted the conventional stuff from love ...marriage and kids etc?why didnt i want hapiness for both ,why wasnt i happy with what ever i had,..why did i think love could only be in a particular way and rest all was not love and always emphasized on the same as well?i feel ...love was all around me ...he loves me ,though i accused him that he didnt, all the time ...he doesnt even try to convince me now !just that he cant love in a conventional way ,he couldnt want n be happy with what i wanted...and i respect that ,i respect him for making his choices....and not giving up in front of mine cuz may be this sacrifice would have lead us to a point in life where we both would repent....he never tried making me let go of what i wanted ..he never demanded anything from me ,for which i use to reason with that i have already submitted completely ,what else could he want..but that was not true...he also could have asked me for a lot of things and sacrifices...but he didnt...so i say love is all around us..just not necessarily in the shape that we want to see it in
...it has its own shape and form and we have to recognize and appreciate it that way!!

Missing Life.

I have been inspired by extremely innovative and expressive writers i have come across on this blogger.com;i wish to be like them and talk about every small and big thing on my mind in a way that draws other peoples attention and makes them read it with interest but i realize it would take a lot of practice to be a writer like that,till then i would continue to practice to open the doors of my feelings and give them an outlet via my words.
there have been things on my mind but are not clear ,dont know which one to talk about first and which one later;which one cant be talked about and wich ones can ;its like standing in a bustling market where you see many faces but cant recognize them individually..dont know if its the right metaphore or not !! but than why should i care ? this is my blogging space i can say what i want ....and cry if i want to (reminded me of this song!!)
lets start with my life ,people say its a small life i feel i have lived a lot in my life till now .So many feelings i have felt ,so many wonderful things i have experienced,so many amazing people i have met ,so many exciting things i have done and i have lived every moment ,have been aware of each moment passing by.Noticed that no time remains the same ,nothing stays for ever..like the board displayed at the airport you can see flight numbers ,time and destination slots changing every moment ,can hear the sound of it constantly ....this is how life is.These days if i label the season i am living in it would be something like a time between autumn and summer where i am falling out of love (at least thats what i am telling myself and my friend is doing the same) and i can still be happy with my leafless branches because i know that time will change ;new leaves will grow ,flowers will bloom ..its a lession i have learned from life.
where i work its a place where we talk of hope and hopelessness both;where we talk of being able to move mountains and being helpless in front of fate ..where we give smile to faces and also fill the eyes with tears ..where we bluntly tell the diagnosis truthfully to the family of the patient and smilingly lie or at least deviate from truth to patients about whats rong with them upon the families request cause they dont want to hurt the patient though he or shes getting hurt by the disease inside.I am sure now its not very difficult to know that i work in a hospital.
what do i enjoy most,so many things....ummm!! getting immensely tired at work and dropping on my bed and drifting into deep sleep with out any delay ,i like getting ready to go to work because every body at work notices and fusses about everything i wear and what suits me or not ,i also like talking of hope with patients and seeing their faces light up when i tell them its going to be all right because they trust the doctors word to be the last ,i also like the people i work with because i can talk to them about things for hours and they dont judge me .
If i ask myself ,whats the one feeling that i have felt most ...than very easily i can say i have 'missed' things and people.may be because its a strong feeling and makes its presence obvious thats why i feel it has extended over a huge part of my life ;but yes i have spend a lot of my life 'missing' stuff.From the start i missed having a life that i now have ,i missed having an elder brother all my life,i missed being breathtakingly beautiful,i missed being in love ;when in love i missed being with that person ,then missed people (my relatives) each one of them who is abroad ..by each one i also include my cousins kids as well(so ,i have missed everyone),i have missed other people who i am sure didnt miss me at all for a moment ..or even if they did ,they didnt tell me that they did when i told them that i missed them;i have in my childhood days missed being a boy(but it didnt last long) ..so i have missed a lot and have missed very ardently ,strongly most of the times and tried connecting with the people i was missing ...in n invisible fashion ...heart connecting with their hearts an unseen phenomenon that people talk of exists, ....but it never worked...i think it doesnt even exist!
I wonder,why did i have to miss so much.not that i wasnt happy with what i have or i didnt appreciate it or havent been thankful for it ,i have appreciated every smallest blessing in life never took anything for granted ,not at least intentionally..i have even thanked God for my exercise and my dieting to work on my body and resulting in weight loss ,i have also thanked God for making my hands soft and for that matter making my life so beautiful and my mind so twisted:)
I knew when id start there wont by any stopping my verbal haemorrhage ,i would have to seek a torniquette and talk about something appropriate later!!!so till than....
in the end id say ...it feels nice ,its like standing in front of the mirror and talking to your ownself!!!