Missing Life.

I have been inspired by extremely innovative and expressive writers i have come across on this blogger.com;i wish to be like them and talk about every small and big thing on my mind in a way that draws other peoples attention and makes them read it with interest but i realize it would take a lot of practice to be a writer like that,till then i would continue to practice to open the doors of my feelings and give them an outlet via my words.
there have been things on my mind but are not clear ,dont know which one to talk about first and which one later;which one cant be talked about and wich ones can ;its like standing in a bustling market where you see many faces but cant recognize them individually..dont know if its the right metaphore or not !! but than why should i care ? this is my blogging space i can say what i want ....and cry if i want to (reminded me of this song!!)
lets start with my life ,people say its a small life i feel i have lived a lot in my life till now .So many feelings i have felt ,so many wonderful things i have experienced,so many amazing people i have met ,so many exciting things i have done and i have lived every moment ,have been aware of each moment passing by.Noticed that no time remains the same ,nothing stays for ever..like the board displayed at the airport you can see flight numbers ,time and destination slots changing every moment ,can hear the sound of it constantly ....this is how life is.These days if i label the season i am living in it would be something like a time between autumn and summer where i am falling out of love (at least thats what i am telling myself and my friend is doing the same) and i can still be happy with my leafless branches because i know that time will change ;new leaves will grow ,flowers will bloom ..its a lession i have learned from life.
where i work its a place where we talk of hope and hopelessness both;where we talk of being able to move mountains and being helpless in front of fate ..where we give smile to faces and also fill the eyes with tears ..where we bluntly tell the diagnosis truthfully to the family of the patient and smilingly lie or at least deviate from truth to patients about whats rong with them upon the families request cause they dont want to hurt the patient though he or shes getting hurt by the disease inside.I am sure now its not very difficult to know that i work in a hospital.
what do i enjoy most,so many things....ummm!! getting immensely tired at work and dropping on my bed and drifting into deep sleep with out any delay ,i like getting ready to go to work because every body at work notices and fusses about everything i wear and what suits me or not ,i also like talking of hope with patients and seeing their faces light up when i tell them its going to be all right because they trust the doctors word to be the last ,i also like the people i work with because i can talk to them about things for hours and they dont judge me .
If i ask myself ,whats the one feeling that i have felt most ...than very easily i can say i have 'missed' things and people.may be because its a strong feeling and makes its presence obvious thats why i feel it has extended over a huge part of my life ;but yes i have spend a lot of my life 'missing' stuff.From the start i missed having a life that i now have ,i missed having an elder brother all my life,i missed being breathtakingly beautiful,i missed being in love ;when in love i missed being with that person ,then missed people (my relatives) each one of them who is abroad ..by each one i also include my cousins kids as well(so ,i have missed everyone),i have missed other people who i am sure didnt miss me at all for a moment ..or even if they did ,they didnt tell me that they did when i told them that i missed them;i have in my childhood days missed being a boy(but it didnt last long) ..so i have missed a lot and have missed very ardently ,strongly most of the times and tried connecting with the people i was missing ...in n invisible fashion ...heart connecting with their hearts an unseen phenomenon that people talk of exists, ....but it never worked...i think it doesnt even exist!
I wonder,why did i have to miss so much.not that i wasnt happy with what i have or i didnt appreciate it or havent been thankful for it ,i have appreciated every smallest blessing in life never took anything for granted ,not at least intentionally..i have even thanked God for my exercise and my dieting to work on my body and resulting in weight loss ,i have also thanked God for making my hands soft and for that matter making my life so beautiful and my mind so twisted:)
I knew when id start there wont by any stopping my verbal haemorrhage ,i would have to seek a torniquette and talk about something appropriate later!!!so till than....
in the end id say ...it feels nice ,its like standing in front of the mirror and talking to your ownself!!!